At bridal showers they always ask the married people to give words of wisdom to the bride, who honestly, is so involved in planning her wedding and honeymoon, let’s be real…she’s not listening.
Someone always says, “Never go to bed angry” it’s great advice in theory, but sometimes you haven’t resolved it all, and you will go to bed sad or discouraged. Hopefully not often, however.
My 2 favorites to give are things that I strive to live for daily…(strive:trying, sometimes failing)
1. Always speak highly of your husband (spouse) and never put him down to others..Especially when you’re upset with him. Speaking well of him when you feel frustrated will remind you of all of the reasons you love him.
2. If you are feeling upset or hurt or angry…don’t speak. Pray that if it’s a true issue that needs to be brought into the open, God will naturally open the conversation in a manner that is calm and you are both receptive. And if that doesn’t happen, that God will change your heart. Because maybe the issue is yours. (Or not as big as you’ve made it in your head)
I like the showers where they have you write it down, then when the bride is more level headed and a few months, years or arguments into her marriage, she can go back and look at what years of marital trial and error has taught others who have gone before her. Because marriage really is a bunch of trial and error. What works for one couple, won’t for another.
And that’s ok! Every family is different. Every husband is different. Every wife is different. I know for myself, there’s LITERALLY no one else I could even stand to live with…and I’m sure most people feel that way about me…”she’s great in small doses, but my GOD her poor husband!”
I say whatever pops into my head.
I think body part words are hysterical. (I’m immature)
I think documentaries are the most interesting.
I don’t like talking when the game is on. (Warriors, Niners…now you know…)
I could sit at home all weekend and be totally happy.
I tend to obsess on things…
You get the picture.
I’m no picnic.
But, I’ve been happily married for 12 1/2 years to an amazing man who takes that all in stride and loves me in SPITE of those things. And he does it so well.
However, that wasn’t always the case.
When I was the very mature age of 18, I thought it was a good idea to get married. I was young, in love and just knew that it was going to last forever.
Now, you know how it is, I wouldn’t listen to any of the people who waved red flags in my face. After all, I was way more wisdomous than they were, I knew better. I didn’t need to take a step back and see the huge issues that were being pointed out to me, things were going to work out like sunshine and rainbows and butterflies!!!
I should’ve known, it’s usually a sign when more than a handful of people come at you with the same warnings. But they were all wrong.
Just kidding…they were all correct. And believe me, I was no picnic to live with either, I’m sure. As immature as I still can be, I’m sure I was a million times worse back then. And we never learned how to communicate and speak TO each other instead of at each other. And as more and more issues began popping up, we had set ourselves up for complete failure; there’s little that can be done at a certain point to save that. Things become broken beyond repair, there’s no communication, there’s even less trust, no love, not even like, there’s no respect for one another and we were left with a gaping hole of regrets, what might have been and what never will be, anger, betrayal, hurt, and sadness between us.
After 2 children, at the ripe old age of 23, I found myself a divorced single mother. And the ONE thing I knew for sure, at some point, if I ever got married again, I did NOT, absolutely NOT with ALLLLL THE CAPSSSSSS, want to make the same mistakes. My hope was for communication, respect, love and a best friend that I could get old with.
And when I wasn’t looking, not even thinking about it, I found it…my lobster (Friends reference, you guys! Look it up)
I found my man…he made me feel safe, loved, adored even, respected, trusted, encouraged and all of the words that I longed for.
And he had come out of an incredibly long and serious relationship at a young age as well, and had a son 6 months older than my oldest daughter.
The great thing about being best friends when neither of us were trying to date, was that we knew it all. Probably more than we wanted to know once we were a couple to be honest, haha, but we knew it all. We never had to hide who we really were, our weaknesses, our failures, our strengths, we laid it all on the line before we ever went on one date. I knew his failures and his wins in his past relationship and he knew all of mine.
Things progressed quickly, we were married within about a year and a half after a very long and arduous 2 week engagement 😉 – no, I was not pregnant…there were a lot of reasons that aren’t pertinent to this story.
And it’s not always perfect, but I would say that it is fantastic 99% of the time. We aren’t arguers. We aren’t yellers. Neither of us gets riled up super easily, I would say I do way easier than him. And he knows how to handle that and calm me down and make me laugh quicker than anyone I’ve ever known.
But, I started with this, so let me finish: I messed up
I didn’t take my own advice.
I got super riled up, built something up in my head, let it fester and I never once, prayed about it. I never stepped back and thought of it from any point of view but my own. And then I blurted. It all came spilling out and half of it didn’t make sense, and I talked in circles and made the hugest deal out of the tiniest issue…I forgot to mention above that I can tend to be dramatic from time to time.
And it turned into such a huge deal. Because of me. I didn’t take heed of my own advice.
It didn’t turn out well.
Were we able to talk it out? Yes.
Did it turn into a huge yelling match? No.
But I did hurt my husband. And in turn, that ripped my heart out. He’s the last person I ever want to hurt.
I woke up at 3:00 in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. Thinking of all the things I should’ve said, all the things I shouldn’t have said, when I should’ve let it drop, when I should’ve let everything go…because once it was out in the open, it sounded as stupid as it actually was. Which I would’ve known had I TAKEN MY OWN ADVICE!!!!!
Aye yi yi, when will I learn?
Then I opened my devotional, and wouldn’t you know…it was about watching what we say, praying before we speak and not allowing MY negative words to hurt others or myself. I just love when the word of God slaps me in the face and disciplines and corrects me.
Totally kidding. It’s more like a love/hate thing. I hate it because discipline hurts and change hurts, but I love it because discipline brings growth and stability to my crazy nature. It helps me see where I still need lots of help.
The bible says that God disciplines those he loves, just like we do with our own children.
As a child I didn’t like it, as an adult I like it even less, but I don’t want to be on a destructive path. I don’t want to be destructive to others. I don’t want to be immature in the ways of discipline and how I carry myself and how I learn and move on from mistakes. I don’t.
I want to be everything that God set out for me to be, and everything Marcos needs and deserves in a wife, and everything my kids need in a mom. And that only comes through change and making mistakes, both big and small, and learning from them.
Does that mean that I’ll never struggle in this area ever again? Probably not (but fingers and toes crossed that just maybe?) But I’m praying that if there is a next time, I will stop myself before I just word vomit a bunch of disjointed and incomplete thoughts.
I leave you with this…
If you’re about to be married, listen to the advice of those who have gone before you and walk in their positive footsteps and try to avoid their land mines.
If you’re not, this advice still is true for all of us, because we all have difficulty sometimes voicing how we feel when it could cause friction and none of us are perfect at it.
So, here’s to learning and growing and apologizing and moving on, never to return to the yuck that has already happened.
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18