I’m always reading these inspirational quote online…
*Tomorrow you’d wish you started today.
*One day she woke up and lost all of her excuses and found her reason.
*A year from now, you’ll wish you started today.
*Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.
Don’t get me wrong, they’re great. Fabulous. I could see how they’re inspiring, they’re just not for me.
My problem is starting over and over and over again.
I don’t know if it’s the OCD in me, I’m wired weirdly, or I just have issues (read: all of the above, I know, you don’t have to tell me!) my problem isn’t never starting. It’s the -can’t-move-on-if-I’m-not-perfect-yet (ing) you know, I’m great at starting, but if I miss a day, it’s wrapping my mind around the fact that I’m not a failure and just moving on from there. That’s where things begin to go insanely wrong for me.
Please, tell me I’m not the only one…lemme hear a shout of agreement in this place! (Sorry, I’ve been raised in church my whole life, I like crowd involvement)
And it doesn’t matter what subject we’re talking about…journaling, writing, blogging, working out, eating right, reading my Bible, organizing…I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. It’s great for my cupboards and closets when the mood strikes, which is often – that goes back to that OCD thing up there – but it’s not so great for other areas of my life.
I’ve learned there are certain things that I cannot, and never will be able to control – ministry, jobs, others, my kids as they get older and able to make their own choices (though that keeps me up nights if I’m being truly honest – that’s a process, I tell ya!) But, then there’s all those other things.
90 days ago, I went back to my Dr for blood work and a conversation about my health that had nothing to do with me getting older, just with genes and a disease that sucks the life out of you, oh, and hey…surprise!!!!! You’re gonna have it forever no matter what you do, there’s no getting around it, there’s no controlling it and there’s no starting over with this one…it just is what it is…but here’s a mess of pills you can take and let’s talk about dramatically changing your diet because that can HELP, but it won’t HEAL 100%. So, there I was in her office, she was holding my hands, looking me in the eye telling me, “You are sick, you will always be sick and you cannot control it no matter how bad you want to. But YOU can take these meds to limit the side effects and try some of these things…”
Oh God, here we go…I’m now officially granola…and not just because I live in Humboldt County, (though thank God! It def makes it easier with all of the earthy people around here who believe preservatives are straight from Satan himself)
Things I was no longer allowed to have: Gluten (I’m so trendy without even trying) Dairy (Ummmmm, I’m an admitted cheesaholic) Caffiene (you GUYSSS…I have 3 teenagers and I’m saved, what other vices do I have?) So, what in the world do I eat if I can’t have all that? It was a little depressing, but I went that day and bought myself new food that I could actually eat. (And spent more money than I knew was possible on a tiny basket of food)
I’ve known for years, since my 14 year old daughter was born that I have Hypothyroidism. Not that I wanted it, but I certainly wasn’t shocked. I think literally every adult woman on my mom’s side of the family has it. The upside is, there’s support there from women that understand, the downside is, ya, we all have it and struggle badly at different times.
The NEW news is that what I actually have is Hashimoto’s and that’s kind of a different ball game when it comes to nutrition and even exercise. Luckily we live in a world that’s always changing and evolving and knowledge and science are growing faster than we can even keep up with.
So, after 60 days on my meds and changing my diet, there was no change, except one…high cholesterol? Which has never, ever been an issue for me and totally stunned me.
Thank God for a Doctor that doesn’t believe meds are the answer to everything, she said, “Hey, let’s keep the new diet changes, but take out some more stuff!” Like I wasn’t already kind of dying with what I was having to do anyways…
So, I’m sitting there thinking, “How in the hell is that even possible? I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do…and ZERO changes in my thyroid levels, I actually gained 9 pounds and now I have high cholesterol? This is depressing.”
And then I remembered…
You see, it was Mother’s Day and I wanted a cheat day. And that led to a cheat weekend. And then it was Memorial Day weekend and I wanted another cheat weekend. Then it was Fathers Day and we had out of town family and Humboldt Creamery was giving away free ice cream at the Oyster Fest…
I kept deciding to start every Monday, then I’d have one “cheat” along the way, then I figured, “well, I already cheated once…” And that’s how that went. And that’s how I found myself back in my Dr’s office 2 weeks ago and she decided I should cut all grains and processed foods for at least 6 weeks and see what happens.
She made me paleo and I don’t think she even knows how hipster and trendy she’s making me visit by visit.
It’s been a week of that.
And you know what?
I feel amazing.
I haven’t had any cheats…for me that’s just the devil’s playground and he’s had his fun, ya know????
Will I ever have a cheat? At some point, but not right now. I had to become aware and admit my weakness and ask for help. For me, I’m lucky. My husband Marcos is taking this journey with me and has been so strong and motivating and doing all of this right by my side. Maybe you don’t have that, but there’s someone in your life that will do this with you…whatever your “this” happens to be.
I missed the gym a few days last week, but instead of that freaking me out and starting over and cheating for the rest of the week, I embraced it, stayed as active as I wanted, ate well, and for the first time in years, I didn’t have to start over today. I just kept moving forward.
I’ve missed a few weeks in one of my daily devotionals.
Instead of starting over, I counted ahead to today and began to read from there. And I’m not even freaking out about it.
I didn’t blog at all last week and missed my goal.
Today, I picked up from where I left off, and at some point, I’ll finish what I started writing last week and post it. But I’m not sweating it.
Today, I did half the dishes before I needed to do something else. And you know what? I’m happy I have less dishes to finish when I publish this blog.
You get the point.
No matter if you’ve never started, or you’ve started and stopped a million times, it’s ok to be right where you are.
I can’t do anything about my health 3 months ago, it’s gone and out of my hands…I can’t go back and undo anything about it.
You can’t go back and undo anything you’ve done. You can’t make up for lost time. You can’t hurry along healing in a relationship. You can’t blast past necessary steps in your relationship with God, in your relationship with grief, in lessons in life, you just can’t. There are ZERO shortcuts.
The joy is learning to be ok with that.
And ok with where you are.
And OK with who you are.
In this moment.
God saw this moment before you were ever a thought in this world, and he’s ok with you. But He loves you too much to let you stay in whatever rut you’re in.
Ask for guidance.
Ask for help.
Ask for accountability.
Ask for wisdom.
Ask for strength.
I don’t know a lot, but I know that God is so faithful and love us all so much!! He will give us the strength we need, the friendships we need, he will remove the ones that do us no good when we let Him and He will help us see it all through.
I don’t want to keep starting over and over and over. It’s old, it’s boring and frankly, I’m over it. I’m way too old, and no longer have the energy…
I just want to keep moving forward and be better today than I was yesterday.
Or even an hour ago.
You know, baby steps y’all!!!
“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NLT