I have 2 sides to me. Actually, probably a lot more than that, but for this story, I have two sides. 
You see, I’ve had seasons in which I had a lot of things, materially speaking, and I’ve had seasons where I had very little-almost nothing. 
I’ve had seasons where my relationship with God is growing so quickly, it takes my breath away. That’s usually in hard times. I’ve had seasons where it feels like not only have I not grown, I’m actually moving backwards. 
And then there are the steady times when not much is changing either way and I’m just happily living in the moment I’m in, times when there isn’t much thought into the past, but there’s not much about the future either, and I’m failing to dream or even try to grow and be stretched. 
And that can all change so fast! Life changes so fast. One day things are moving along smoothly and the next something completely unexpected is happening and everything feels upside down again. 
Everyday I have to choose. Which side of me wins today? (Or wins this moment?). The side that trusts God in all things, or the side that trusts in myself? 
Do I believe that God is always good no matter how bad life is?
Do I believe that God is good no matter how amazing life is?
Do I still lean on him and rely on him when it’s all good?? 
And the sad answer so many times is no 
I don’t trust in him still the way I do when life sucks and all I have left is him. 
My hope everyday is that I live like all I have left is him.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my every move, word and posture is faithful and glorifying to him when life is hard. Leaning on God in those times is natural. It comes with ease. 
When all is well, God tends to move from the forefront into the background. Of course I still love him. Of course I still pray. Of course I stay faithful. But it’s a different kind. It’s not as fervent. It’s not as desperate. It’s not with all that I am. Like every breath is dependent on him. 
And why can’t I remember that yes, I still AM 100% dependent on him. And every good thing comes from him. And keep pressing in towards him just as much as when I – in my human mind – need him? 
This is a question that I haven’t answered yet. But it’s one that bothers me. It nags at my heart and my subconscious and my soul. 
It’s like I need a text from myself every morning to wake up and remember my reliance on God. To start my day at his feet and keep my heart there throughout all of my activities. 
Because when I don’t, I lose focus and life becomes about myself and how everyone else and their crazy or sad or dysfunction affects ME. And I forget that I still need him to steady my heart in order for me to be a difference. I forget that I need him speaking to my heart all day in order for me to not blend in with the world and my co-workers because I was never meant to blend in. 
And then I forget that my voice is powerful. That my words should be chosen carefully. That my actions should reflect my savior. That people should be drawn to me…not because I’m in the know but because there is just something different that they want for themselves. 
My goal in my spiritual life, and for what people see in me, is that I will be steady. 
That is the prayer I say the most. 
No matter how crazy life is, or how calm it is at this moment, God, let me be steady. That I will constantly be growing and seeking God and looking with thankfulness at what he’s already done along with looking ahead with anticipation at what IS to come. 
That I will not fear the future, but be secure in Christ and looking for ways to grow and be changed and an example to the world around me who doesn’t yet know of God’s great love for them. 

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