The fear is very real.

It’s almost paralyzing, physically sometimes.

It is paralyzing mentally and spiritually all the time.

The fear I’m talking about is this:

Well, things are just going too good.  It can’t stay good forever.  It’s just a matter of time before everything falls apart again.  I knew I shouldn’t have testified to what God did, now I’m going to look like an idiot a few weeks from now when everything goes down the toilet again.

These are the thoughts that are trying to take over my mind.

Along with this one:

Should we really give that much?  What if this new job doesn’t work out and we have no money again?  Should we really bless someone like this?  What if this new job doesn’t work out and then I’m going to wish we hadn’t spent that money.  Should I really buy what I need right now?  What if this new job doesn’t work out and this is something I really could have lived without?

You get the picture here, I’m sure.

I know for those of you that think I’m super-spiritual (HA!) this is going to burst your little bubble, but I’m so not even close to being a spiritual giant, that the very thought is laughable.  Just ask anyone who REALLY knows me.  I have a lot of doubts and fears, I don’t always have the faith I should have, I say the wrong thing  A LOT, I think and say inappropriate things more often than I should, I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable…and the list goes on and on and on…

I am very human.

I am very blessed and thankful.

I am sometimes very afraid.

And this is what I’m learning:

I will not doubt!

I cannot doubt!

I know that God provided for my family in a miraculous way.  I know that He has always provided for every single need.  I know that He is not a mean God that is “tricking” me into trusting Him and waiting for me to testify and then take everything away and say,

“HAHAHAHA!  I can’t believe you fell for that!”

My brain knows this.

My heart is learning this.

I am finding myself almost not believing that things have really turned around.

But they have.

And when I have those thoughts, I immediately push them out of my head.

“God, I know that you are good and that you are faithful and loving and you have the best in mind for me.  I trust you and I know that this is a season of prosperity in my life and in my family and we will continue to trust in you in ALL things, even when it’s hard.”

And I repeat that over and over again until I feel the confidence in my spirit that those words are true. 

I literally have to stop whatever I’m doing and say those words out loud.  And if I’m at work, I go hide in the bathroom and repeat it over and over again in there.  They probably think I’m crazy, but whatever, I am a little on the crazy side, this is not new information!

This kind of faith is new to me.

Judge all you want, I’m learning the crazy faith that maybe you think I should have had my entire life, but I haven’t. 

I don’t beat myself up about it, so I certainly won’t let anyone else make me feel bad about it.  It’s just the way it is, this is where I am and all I can do is move forward from where I am right now.

I’m learning to not let the fear paralyze me anymore and hold me back from the things that I love and desire. 

I’m letting that fear turn into crazy faith and push me forward into this incredibly uncomfortable place that I’m having a love/hate relationship with.  Mostly love, but moments of intense hate are in there, too.  Be honest, I’m not the only one, am I????

I can’t live my life in fear of the future, because then I won’t live in the present and live out the whole reason for my existence. 

I will not let fear paralyze me.

I will change the way I think.

And that will change the way I live.

I have the power to fight whatever this world tries to throw at me and crush the fear that threatens to destroy me. 

We all do, it’s just a matter of having the faith to use that power.

 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

An old song that has taken on a whole new meaning lately is right here!