As my great grandma’s health has gotten worse over the past few years, I never let myself go to the place that she might not be around forever.
She’s 91, so this was unreasonable of me.
I know I’m spoiled and blessed and it’s rare that people even KNOW their great-grandparents, let alone have them around long enough to make them great-great grandparents. So, I know that I sound like a whiner when I say this:
I’m not ready to be without her.
I know she’s lived an awesome life full of love and family and traveling and all the things she has loved and she’s ready to go. She can’t do a lot of the things that she so much loved doing anymore thanks to becoming weaker and dialysis 3 times per week.
But, the selfish side of me wants her to be around forever, so that when I go to my Grandma’s house, she’s there with the Scrabble board, ready for a game.
I want her to still go to the casino with us and play the slots.
I want her to still be able to read her books like she loves doing. (Even Harry Potter *SMH*)
I want her to still be able to go to Home Town Buffet for Sunday brunch.
I want her to be sitting in all of her cuteness in her chair with her slippers on her tiny little feet and smile at me and say, “Oh, honey! It’s so good to see you. You’re looking so beautiful!” (Because, let’s be real, I really love hearing that. Who doesn’t?)
But, I know that I have to be willing to see her in her chair, and hug her and kiss her and tell her, “I love you,” and let her know that we’ll all be ok without her.
Because I love her, I have to be willing to let her go and not live in pain.
I don’t care that she’s 91, it doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier.
I want her to have a peaceful and comfortable final stage of life.
I want her to go feeling surrounded by love and knowing that she is leaving a legacy of love and kindness and generosity that is 5 generations strong and still growing.
So, tonight, my brother and I will leave on the 6 hour drive to say our final goodbye’s and let her go knowing that her life was worth much.